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Letters from Mr J
If
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Monday, January 07, 2008
Mr J 's
first letter from home!
Dear friends
and family,
My heart is so very full. These last few weeks have
been like a wonderful dream. I have spent long days
enjoying my family and getting to know my children again.
I am so very grateful for this time to rejoin our lives.
What a
blessing it is to be together again. I appreciate all of
the love and support we have received from all of you.
Your kind letters of optimism and calls to our home have
reminded us of the legions of supporters that have made
such an incredible difference throughout this ordeal.
Monday, the 11th of December, the day that I came home, was
the most incredible day of my life. After spending
several sleepless weeks waiting for the doors of the
prison to open I came home to what I was told would be a
few friends popping in to say "hello." Imagine my
surprise as I came around the corner onto our street
and witnessed the most incredible display of love I have ever
had the
privilege of seeing. There before me were hundreds
of our supporters holding candles and "welcome home" signs,
singing Christmas carols. Wow! It was the most
amazing manifestation of love imaginable. It has all
seemed liked a wonderful dream. My heart is so very
full and I am so very grateful to each of you for your
kindness towards us. Each of you has made a
significant difference--thank you! We are so grateful
to you all.
Your continued prayers on our behalf are very much
appreciated. I know they make a difference.
Thank you for your love and support that has sustained us
for so long.
Hopefully it will be over soon.
Love, Mr. J and Family
February 7, 2007
Mr J started
this letter on
Thanksgiving and it took him this long to finish it.
Thanksgiving Day,
November 23, 2006
Dear Friends and Family,
It is hard to imagine that more than a year and a half has
gone by since I last wrote to the website. So much has
happened since then.
I am humbled by the tremendous support my family and I
continue to receive each week. You all make a significant
difference and our burdens have been lightened many times
because of it – Thank you!
On this day, I want to express my appreciation and
gratitude for the many blessings we receive each day. I
also want to wish each of you a very
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
Throughout this ordeal we have been very blessed because
of the kindness and generosity of so many. I marvel that
after 33 months of incarceration, so many of you continue
to look out for my family and me. I am very grateful for
your prayers of love and support. I believe that I have
remained safe because of these prayers – thank you! Please
continue your prayers of hope. They are sustaining us,
uplifting us, and bringing us peace.
I am grateful for friends and family who continue to write
letters, call on my family, and help us with our many
needs. I am especially grateful for the many visits I have
had. It is remarkable to me that so many of you have
driven the six hours (each way) to spend only a few hours
with me. (Mike even showed up on his birthday.) I am
confident that my survival this far is the result of the
many selfless acts of others such as you who have
sacrificed in some way to lift us up. I cannot imagine
better examples of love.
For the last 33 months I have been challenged in countless
ways. And yet, each time I have felt the crushing weight
of my situation, something positive would happen – a
wonderful letter would arrive, my family would experience
some special event, or a small miracle would occur to pull
me up. Time and again, whatever my challenge, an answer to
prayer would come. I know that this happens, in part,
because of the faith and service of others such as you.
Thank you so much for your prayers, for your love, and for
your support.
Sometime in January or February 2007 my appeals attorney
will argue my case before the panel of judges of the 4th
District Court of Appeals in San Diego. These judges will
then have 90 days to decide whether or not my rights to a
fair trial were violated. Please join my family and me on
Sunday, February 11th, in fasting and prayer that I may
return home. Perhaps, collectively, our prayers will bring
an end to all of this. I long for the day that I can live
together again with my family. I am hopeful that it will
be soon. Meanwhile, I will continue to live my life each
day trying to learn all that I can.
As bad as this prison experience is, it has provided me
with opportunities for personal growth. I would never have
guessed that spending time in prison could result in any
kind of positive experience. And yet, slowly, it has. Make
no mistake – prison is hell. But, in this hell,I have
learned much about myself, I have faced and conquered many
fears, and I have managed to glean many insights from the
daily grind of life behind bars.
Living as a prisoner is expectedly not easy. I often feel
like a castaway, clinging to my small island of hope,
awash in a sea of intolerance, hatred, and fear. It is
because of these challenges that I feel I must read the
scriptures each day. I also read various other texts of
wisdom. Through them, I gain valuable insights that
sustain me and strengthen my hope. I love to learn from
those who have gone before me. I have been fortunate to be
able to study the writings of many great religions from
around the world (form the Bible to the Koran; from
Buddhist texts to Hindu texts, and many others). In them,
I learn about the pitfalls and travails of humanity and
the power of love to overcome them.
The Apostle Paul teaches me to be “patient” and to be
“content wherever I am.” The Apostle John teaches me to
“love my neighbor as myself” and that “God is love.” The
Apostles Peter and James teach me that challenges and
adversity (the trials of my faith) are more precious than
gold because of the personal growth they cause. Siddhartha
Gautama (Buddha 550 BC) teaches me that “attachments” are
the source of all human suffering. I may want lobster, a
vacation, or a hot tub, but I need love.
If I recognize what is truly important in life
(perspective), then life for me here becomes much easier.
Material things won’t bring me happiness. What a powerful
lesson to understand while locked away in prison. All of
these inspired writings teach me to love instead of hate.
It isn’t easy. However, this spirit of love has kept me
afloat. It is the love that I have received abundantly
form all of you. Thank you!
Here in prison, I know inmates who use heroin routinely
but respect me because I don’t. I have friends of every
color – even a few with swastikas tattooed on their faces.
I have had more that 10 cellies so far. Some of them have
committed armed robbery and some of them have committed
murder – many of them continue to abuse drugs at every
opportunity. Nonetheless, I have discovered that we are
all brothers. Each of us is struggling to understand who
we are in this great big world.
I wouldn’t recommend prison for anyone. It is a violent
place filled with hatred and fear. Yet, here I am, and it
is surreal. In this place I have witnessed many examples
of compassion, but more often, the profound darkness of
hate. Where else on earth could these two extremes exist
side by side? In prison, I see daily the unfortunate
events that unfold when individuals yield to unbridled
passions and addictions. Fortunately, I also see many acts
of kindness by those who choose to love instead of hate. I
see inmates who are obsessed with having more – a shiny
watch, a gold chain, new running shoes, or a hat without
blemish. The inmates that have to have another cup of
coffee; spending their days in endless pursuit of another
“shot” of it. The inmates who are compelled to manipulate
the health care system to obtain stronger and stronger
pain medications to numb their minds instead of their
physical ailments. The countless inmates who habitually
complain about every situation, lost in a self-made, sea
of despair, rarely recognizing when a situation has
improved. Or, the many C.O.’s who routinely commit illicit
acts of cruelty upon their captive subjects, acting with
impunity under the guise of authority.
By contrast, I have seen inmates of influence protect
those without. I have seen inmates with next to nothing
happily share with those who have nothing. Many of them
are seeking answers – looking for purpose in their lives.
A few of them, I marvel at. One man I know has been in
prison for more than 20 years with no hope of parole in
his lifetime. Yet, he has a peace about him that is
remarkable. After many long walks with this quiet man, I
have learned that his peace is the result of having
separated himself from the materialism and gluttony of
this world. Following the wisdom of both western and
eastern philosophies, he accepts the many things he cannot
change – choosing to love instead of hate.
He has learned to be content with what little he has. He
exercises daily. He tries to only eat what is healthy for
him. He appreciates the food we are given, even though the
quality of that food continues to decline. He has let go
of his “attachments” to junk food, alcohol, and drugs. His
daily demeanor is positive even when confronted by the
many challenges of prison life – those same challenges
that many times bring me much despair. To me, he is an
excellent example of the power of love.
All of these behaviors – positive or negative – are
displayed before me each day. I recognize bits of myself
in each of them. I recognize that I have much to improve
upon and it motivates me to change. Over this past year I
have begun to make better choices for myself. I no longer
drink caffeine in any form. I exercise everyday that I am
let out to the yard. I no longer take pain medication for
my back unless absolutely necessary. I regularly trade
with the other inmates my dessert for their beans or
vegetables. I have lost nearly 40 pounds since I arrived.
My cholesterol is now down in the normal range and I
generally feel much healthier than I have in years.
I am no longer willing to subject myself to the cravings
and complacency of an unhealthy lifestyle. I want to be
both physically and spiritually prepared to enjoy all that
this life has for me. Through much reading, pondering, and
prayer, I now recognize that I have spent most of my life
spiritually unaware. Each day I am learning of the
incredible power of love to overcome adversity. I am
working each day to increase that love.
I am grateful for these insights into myself and into
humanity. I am grateful for this personal awakening. I am
especially grateful for your many examples of love that
have fueled my desire for personal change. I am, then,
grateful that the Lord knows what is best for me—even if
it means that I had to come to prison to learn it. I
appreciate this opportunity I have to learn more about who
I am – and, who I can become.
I don’t know what the outcome of my appeal will be, but I
trust that the Lord knows best. I know that I will
continue on my path of growth wherever I am. Each day,I
become more aware of the many blessings I have been given.
I choose to be grateful for what I have instead of
focusing on what I don’t. When I do this, my heart is full
and my challenges become easier. I am glad that we
celebrate a day for giving thanks to remind us of what we
have been given.
I am grateful for my dear wife Sydney. We have been
married for nearly 20 years (June ’07). From the moment I
first met her, a quarter of a century ago, I have been
amazed by her compassion and kindness towards others. She
has always been my example of hope and faith – especially
through this latest storm. She creates within me the
desire to be my best. I am thankful for her love, her
support, and her example throughout all of these years. I
love her very much.
I am also thankful for our four wonderful children. They
have been forced into tremendous adversity over these last
four years and yet each of them has managed to rise above
it. My oldest daughter (18) is now out of state attending
college and getting excellent grades. She has learned to
live on her own. She is committed to doing her best and is
learning all she can. Her personal growth astounds me.
When I left nearly three years ago, she was an average
15-year-old girl. Now she exudes the confidence of much
experience – far beyond her 18 years. She is a thriving
young adult who believes that the future is hers to make.
I am very proud of her.
I have yet to visit with any of my younger children
because of the CDC. Despite having a court order from our
judge allowing me to visit with each of my four children,
the CDC has rejected this order and I have only been able
to visit with my oldest after she turned 18 last June,
’06. I haven’t seen my three younger children for over two
years.
My 16-year old is the Junior Class President at her high
school. At the moment, she is in Europe along with several
other students and staff representing the leadership of
her school. Her itinerary includes Germany, Austria,
Switzerland, Italy (Venice and Florence), and France.
Words cannot describe how thrilled I am for her to have
this experience. The remarkable thing is that she earned
the couple of thousand dollars to pay for this trip on her
own. I am very grateful that she can go and learn of the
wonderful diversity that makes up this world. At the young
age of 16, she is being exposed to many fascinating
cultures and traditions. She has come a long way from the
young 13-year-old I knew when I left. I am very proud of
her.
My 12-year old become the young man of the house. I am
grateful for his desire to stretch and develop his
abilities. He is an excellent student and soccer player,
and he is working hard at improving his musicianship. He
is now 1st Chair clarinet at his middle school. He
recently told me in a letter that he wants to earn his
Eagle Scout award before he turns 14. At the moment, he is
only 6 merit badges and an Eagle project away from
realizing that goal.
All of these efforts are wonderful and bring me much joy
but the talent that he is developing that touches me most
is his ability to express himself in writing. He has been
blessed with a gift to convey emotion that is quite
remarkable. His love of classic children’s literature has
helped him absorb various techniques of excellent writing
which he easily employs in his meaningful stories. He
often chooses themes reflecting the challenges of life. In
his last story, the main focus was the power of love to
overcome adversity. It is a touching story about a boy
that lost his father in an automobile accident.
I asked my cellie, Jim, to read this story (without
telling him who wrote it). After reading it, Jim initiated
a heartfelt conversation about the abilities of love to
overcome challenges in life that lasted about an hour.
Afterward, I asked him who he thought had written it. He
was convinced that a very capable college student was the
author. When I explained to him that it was my
twelve-year-old son, he became quiet and reflective.
After a long (teary) silence he suggested that my son''s
ability to express such emotional maturity comes from the
special bond of love that we share as a family. I am
grateful that my eldest son has chosen to be a positive
example for his siblings. I am grateful that at the tender
age of twelve, he understands the wisdom that love can
overcome adversity. I am thankful for the growth that has
changed him from a child of nine into a thoughtful, young
man of twelve. I am very proud of him.
My youngest is now ten years old. Like his sisters and
brother before him, he too desires to accomplish all that
he can. He loves sports of all kinds. Currently, he is
playing in a soccer league like his brother. Judging by
the many photographs I see (he is often the biggest of his
classmates or teammates) he is, and will continue to be, a
physical force to be reckoned with in sports.
He enjoys jumping bikes and riding skateboards just as I
did at his age. He also loves music. He continues to write
to me about the songs he is writing on his guitar and now
he has added the alto saxophone to his repertoire. Even
his older brother has commented how hard he (the younger
brother) is practicing so he can play next year in the
middle school band. Sydney tells me that it is so adorable
when the two of them are playing together in the living
room. (Oh! What a sweet sound that will be when I return
home.) I am grateful for my youngest son who continues to
work hard at all that he does. I am thankful for his
determination to keep up with his family and for the
unconditional love he shares with each of us. I am very
proud of him.
I am thankful for these many blessings. The events of
these past few years have only strengthened my resolve to
live each day of my life to the fullest. They have
increased my focus on what truly matters – friends and
family. I have been blessed with a great, loving family
and many, many great friends.
I have much to be thankful for. Thank you for sharing your
love with my family and me.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
With much love,
Mr J
Written March 4, 2005
Dear friends
and family,
The following
are some reflections and thoughts from this
difficult past year and my uncertain future ahead.
They are infused with symbolism, allegory, simile,
and metaphor (I now have a quiet place to write with
lots and lots of extra time – enjoy!) If you
read them slowly, and reflectively, perhaps you to,
will see me:
VISIONS OF
SPRING
Time
&
Eternity
Beyond these Walls...
It is just
passed noon and I am grateful. I am quietly
sitting in my new cell (where I will be for the next
3-12 months) awaiting my placement into a
"home-prison." there, I will wait out the
long, arduous process of appealing my case.
Outside,
the world is as dark and gray as my new concrete
cell. Bruised and sullen storm clouds roil low
across the sky. Beyond these walls, legions of
trees stand proud, mocking the cold, incessant winds
that besiege them. Quietly, pensively, I look
upon the familiar world through my new, narrow, but
revered, windows in my cell at the Richard J.
Donovan State Penitentiary.
The
brooding sky attempts in vain to dissuade my spirit
as a light rain gently streaks my window.
Slowly, swelling drops slip down the thick,
bullet-proof glass that separates me from the world
outside. Released from above, the join
together to cleanse the dust from my vision of this
world in motion beyond.
For an
entire year, I was warehoused as a "court body" in a
San Diego County Jail. The dorm was a
continuously lit, cold, windowless concrete box with
57, solid steel bunks welded inside. Day and
night held no meaning. The unyielding,
oppressive lights pushed at all hours against those
below. There, an ironic and callous scene
played out, day after day
– hour after
hour. Sleep was every evasive.
Exhaustion was the progeny of the perpetual, looming
tension within.
Interests
clashed, attitudes of intolerance and fear spilled
capriciously about. Broken bones and bloodshed
often answered the chaos of affected lives.
Surviving in a jailhouse dorm with more than 50
felons is like flying a kite in a storm. One
cannot easily navigate the insidious winds of
frustration and anxiety. Held against their
will; fathers, brothers, and sons await en masse the
outcome of the unstoppable and relentless legal
machine – the unseen force that overwhelms and
pursues.
No man can
overpower or subdue the ebb and flow of hope and
disillusion. There, time is not measured in
minutes, hours, or days. it is measured
instead by arraignments, hearings and sentencing.
it is a cruel game of expectations and outcomes.
it is a cold void without windows – independent of
both time and space.
This past year
is now to me not much more than an emotional blur
buried beneath my new horizon. As I sit here
peacefully writing, bright sunlight has once again
broken through the dark clouds above, illuminating
my hand-written thoughts before me. The warmth
of the sun holds back the darkness of my cell.
I am sitting on a solid, metal stool jutting out
from the concrete wall just below my window. There,
I lean onto a cold, smooth metal surface sharing my
pen and paper with the afternoon sun. The warm
rays of light come and go, come and go, as I
contemplate my new path on this journey called life.
This is a new installment - 4/9/05
From this
ostensibly private and quiet, gray cell, I have
watched a young family of rabbits hop to and fro,
searching for food. I have witnessed
incredibly colorful sunsets hanging over the grassy,
tree-ed knolls to the west. I have felt reborn
into a world not limited by windowless concrete and
welded steel. I now have my own window, light
switch and pillow.
My new "cellie"
is a considerate man named Dutch. Fortunately,
he has not passed critical judgment on me, as so
many of the others have because of my publicity.
Together, we are confined with 200 convicted felons
in an Olympic sized warehouse and stored within the
cramped two-man cells lining its perimeter.
The center area belongs to the Correctional Officers
(CO's) suited-up against "the threat" in full,
battle regalia. The oversized sign that looms
beneath the tower states, "NO WARNING SHOT!" – they
shoot to kill.
Here, we are
"locked-down" 23/7. The CO's only let us out
of our cells 3 times each day. Twice to walk
to the "chow" hall (eating quickly under the gun)
and once each evening from 7-8, to walk or play
volley-ball in the "yard." We eat our sack
lunches alone in our cells. These are the only
times we are permitted to leave, except for a brief
shower 3 times each week.
It is both
difficult and oppressive. However, I assured
you, it is indeed a blessing. Compared to the
Vista Detention Facility, Donovan is "manna from
heaven." three times each day, I am beyond
these walls in the fresh air, interacting with the
dozens I have come to know over this past year of
incarceration. The rest of the time, I am safe
and secure in a semi-private, gray suite with a
comfortable bunk and pillow. (How many of
you get to live inside a well-guarded, gated
community?
 )
I have a change
of clothing, two towels and a jacket. We are
able to wash our undergarments each day in our
stainless steel sink and hang them to dry on a
make-shift line. These simple pleasures bring
a smile to my face and gratitude washes over me.
I am grateful for what I have.
As I write down
these thoughts, clean drops from above continue to
push from my window, the pale residue of days gone
by revealing the world beyond these walls. My
"cellie" Dutch is quietly reading on his bunk,
allowing me to revel in this joyous event.
Here at Donovan, perspective tempers my time.
The food is much better than at "County" and, having
relative privacy, peace and quiet is a godsend.
Most incredible of all, though, is my window to the
world. I have missed my ethereal brothers in
the sky...Above, they have waited faithfully one
year for me. Mother Nature has once again
lovingly embraced her long, lost son. I am so
very grateful to feel once more, both alive and
secure.
This past year
at "County" can no longer push down around me.
I have been delivered from chaos, bruised but
victorious to a new horizon of opportunity.
The harsh winds that raged against me have both
strengthened and humbled me. My roots have
stretched deep and wide, seeking nourishment for the
strength to make fast my battered frame. I now
stand stronger with greater empathy, respect and
love for my fellow man and this incredible journey
called life.
I no longer
take for granted the smooth stretches along the way.
Difficulties and challenges are my path.
Growth, experience and wisdom are my reward.
And, faith, patience and love have become my
vehicle. I have always longed for distant
horizons...
My journey in
life has not been interrupted or stopped.
It has simply careened with caprice revealing
scenery both nefarious and unimaginable.
Nonetheless, this section of my journey has yielded
a bounty of growth, wisdom, and understanding.
I now relinquish the direction of my path to He who
knows to where I need to travel and what I need to
see. Riding comfortably on my cushions of
faith, patience and love, I marvel at this
experience of a lifetime and eternity.
second installment....
With much
anticipation, I wait for the day when I may leave
this carrion environ of cesspool invective to
embrace again those I cherish and love. With
determination, I boldly hold fast, resisting the
inevitable jolts of life along my way. With
eagerness, I press forward on this path, sharing
with those I love, watching and waiting from afar...
As the dull fog of times lifts,
Eternity rises on the distant horizon–
Perspective, tempers my time... |
Here, I will
grow in silent lucidity, entombed in my cramped,
gray chrysalis. Ere I will emerge to share
with my fellow travelers, my new, vivid colors and
shall venture aloft, embraced by the light from
above, to seek beyond the distant horizon...
There's still a little more...come back soon.
Written March 9, 2005
Dear friends
and family,
Would you
believe the good Lord has once again intervened on
my behalf and has placed me with Dutch (my new
"cellie") - out of 199 other convicted felons, Dutch
is a man who, himself is a walking dictionary.
He has an IQ of 190 (that's really high!) and loves
words and books as much as I do. I guess the
legal machine IS equal opportunity after all - when
the smart get sent to prison!! We have
talked about many wonderful things. I recently
read up on Quantum Mechanics and the Theory of
Relativity and I read at least five excellent books
on philosophy (how and why we know what we know,
etc) - fascinating. Emanuel Kant's "Critique
of Pure Reason" (17th century German philosopher)
was absolutely awesome. "A Priori" baby!
While Dutch
sleeps in his upper bunk, I sit and write at my
desk. Dutch said he would love a care package
but they don't allow them here at "reception."
However, he would love to receive a letter, news
story, magazine, etc. We would both love to
receive ten pages or so copied out of an Oxford
(American not English) Dictionary (the best by FAR).
Any page covering any letter. We cannot receive
books right now, but we can receive Xeroxed sheets,
or pages printed off a computer printer.
Large brown
envelopes are perfect for this because all the mail
goes through an automatic letter opener which slices
the top quarter inch of each envelope, cutting each
page into chunks (depending on how it's folded).
Those large brown envelopes have room inside so the
letter part isn't sliced.
Anyway (back to
meeting Dutch) - on our first night, we started
talking philosophy and this guy knows his stuff!
He was talking about "Quantum Reality" the fusing of
the two disciplines of Quantum Mechanics and
Philosophy of Reason (thinking, etc.)...
I DIDN'T KNOW
THERE WAS SUCH A THING!
It is a stretch
for our early "reality" down to "quarks,"
"antimatter," "string theory," etc. Absolutely
fascinating! When you start talking "multiverse"
and "4th-10th dimensions" (we can't perceive) it
really passes the time. (get it?!?)
this is all I have of this letter...
Written
December 26, 2004
Wow!!
What a month! These past 4 weeks have zoomed
by so very quickly. Although we have felt
confident that this would be "the end." we
learned on December 22st at 10:15 am this ordeal is
going to get bigger before it goes away. So
may prayers and kind efforts were made in our behalf
- it's really so humbling. I would first like
to say thank you to each and every one of you for
your love and concern - your
faith and hope. On
the 21st, we learned that there must be a bigger
purpose for us having to endure this burden
longer. Please don't give up your faith and
your hope. It is what helps us all to go
on. I still believe that this will end well -
I always have. Unfortunately, we don't get to
choose when it will end.
These
next few years are going to be difficult for all
involved. Certainly many challenges and
hardships will arise, testing our resolve.
Yet, I want all of you to know that I feel peace in
my heart. Even now, as I am writing this
letter, I recognize that this statement seems out of
place at this time - but it is true! I have,
from the beginning, felt in my heart that everything
would work out fine in the end, just as many other
challenges in my life have. This feeling is
real. I have felt it many times before.
At age 28 when I started college full time with two
children and a wife, many friends and family thought
that we had lost our minds. The doubters
pointed out the obvious obstacles that would block
our path - money, time, age, etc., etc. My
wife and I knew in our hearts that, although our
approach was unorthodox, it was nonetheless going to
work. We did have challenges and difficulties
along the way. However, true to the conviction
in our hearts that all would be well, we did
accomplish our goal. We overcame many
challenges along the way, which caused a lot
of personal growth. I graduated four years later, at
age 32, with "honors" and "with
distinction" from UCSD, and with four beautiful
children, Lauren, Sherie, James and Thomas. I
am so proud of them. Some of the
doubters were shocked. Others were
amazed. We knew all along it would work out
because we felt it in our hearts (no one would have
guessed that two masters degrees would soon
follow). We all worked together as a young
family to accomplish these worthy goals.
Sacrifice, diligence and perseverance became part of
our family. We learned that anything is
possible when we work together, following our
hearts.
Today
is no different. We will overcome this challenge
with the myriad of difficulties that lie
ahead. These last two difficult years have
demonstrated to us how we can survive - especially
with the support of all of you - our loved ones and
friends.
On
Christmas morning, I listened in on the phone for an
hour and a half while my family enjoyed opening many
gifts. Shouts of joy and thanks accompanied
the din of unwrapping. Listening carefully for
every detail, I imagined that this must be what it
would be like to be blind. I closed my eyes
and my imagination took over. I could see the
early morning sunlight pouring through the living
room windows. I could see all of the
decorations and lights adorning this joyous
scene. The sweet scent of the 8 foot noble
fir; the warm cinnamon aroma of the big three wick
candle burning on the piano; the Christmas music
playing on the stereo...I could see the smiles on
the faces of my dear wife and four children.
We celebrated a wonderful morning together. We
shared in the Christmas spirit. We were a
happy family enjoying each other's company. A
possibility because of the efforts of others.
Many
brought gifts. Some represented me and
purchased gifts for my children. One wonderful
family, because of the efforts of their 13 year old
daughter, Molly, contacted a radio station with our
tragic story and won for us a completely
Christmas. They came to our house with the
help of our friends when we were not home, and
decorated an 8 foot Noble Fir with all the
trimmings. They filled our living room with
gifts, placed full stockings on the mantle, and
filled our refrigerator and dining room with holiday
foods and treats (pies, turkey, ham, candies, etc.,
etc.) On the 15th of December, my family came
back from court to find this Christmas miracle that
happened because of the love and charity of others.
We
have been so very blessed! We are so grateful
to all of the wonderful people that have lifted,
time and again, this difficulty burden from our
shoulders. Thank you, each and everyone of
you. You have all contributed to our well
being. Your prayers and efforts are making a
marvelous difference.
Today,
my youngest child, Thomas, who is 8, was baptized
and became the last in our family to follow
the example of Jesus Christ. For more than an
hour, I listened to the baptismal service over my
brother, Eric's, cell phone. I heard the talk
that my wife gave to the congregation. Earlier
in the morning, over the phone, we prepared together
this special event. I heard my wife recount my
words that I wanted Thomas to hear about how proud I
am of him making this very important decision to
follow Jesus Christ. During each phase of the
service, the cell phone was passed to him and I was
able to share with him my love and pride. I
heard when he was dunked in the baptism font.
I also heard when he came out of the water,
exclaiming "I've been baptized!!" As
soon as he was dried off, I congratulated him and
explained that, at that moment, his sins had been
forgiven and he was the most perfect of anyone in
that room. I challenged him to remain that way
through repentance.
It
was an incredible experience made even more
incredible because of the dozens of wonderful
friends and family that drove to Murrieta from all
over, including from San Diego. Imagine
- several families of former students showed
up to take part in this special event to show
support to my family. They are living proof
that there are angels on earth. After the
baptism, everyone returned to our house to have some
food and fun. Again, I was able to call and be
a part of my family and friends. I consider
myself very blessed in this difficult situation.
Dear
friends and relatives of ours have had to deal with
life threatening illnesses and premature
death. Just last year, one of Sherie's and
Lauren's childhood friends lost her mother to
cancer. My cousin just lost her husband and
father of four in a freak accident. Last
Christmas, our close friends and neighbors lost
their 32 year old mother of three to a heart
attack. There are few guarantees in
life. We are here to pass through challenges
for growth. We are here to learn.
...this
is where this letter ended...
Click here for
March 9, 2005
Written by Mr J on
October 16, 2004
Dear Friends and Family
Today is the seventh
month anniversary of my incarceration. So much has occurred since my
last posting and I need to bring you up to date.
In my last few posts, I
shared with you some of the interesting things I have been learning in
jail. I had met various individuals representing a vast array of
backgrounds and I had become much more aware of the plague of drug
addiction. At that time, I was beginning to believe that I had heard it
all - not even close. Yes, the tragedies are familiar but the manner in
which they play out in the affected lives of the drug abusers is truly sad.
When my May 28 conviction
was overturned, I was gaining confidence that this would all be over
soon. Two months went by and still, we had not heard anything regarding
a third trial. I was preparing myself to go home if they dropped the
charges. Emotionally, I was holding my breath. Then the shock of
the news was twofold. One, they indeed planned on going forward for a
third trial. Two, we couldn't have it in Dept 46 until late November, early
December - three months away. For two months, I waited to hear the news
and then it came with three more months added on plus one more month for the
trial to be completed.
Perhaps you would understand
somewhat, how difficult it was to lay in my bunk staring around a dorm with
50+ felons, carrying on all hours of the day and night, using profanity and
offering little respect to others. I missed my little family so
much. For a time, I wouldn't allow my wife to put the children on the
phone because I couldn't control my sobbing at the sound of their sweet
voices. I didn't want them to hear or see that I wasn't being strong,
that I was struggling. For more than five months, I had withstood the negative
impact of my surroundings. Then I became consumed by every minute and
hour away from my little family, I missed them desperately.
They all started the new
school year. Sherie started her first year of high school and James was
at the top of the elementary school food chain - in fifth grade. I missed open
houses and all the rest. Both of my daughters were nominated for the
Homecoming Royal Court at their high school. Lauren was nominated for
Homecoming Queen (11th grade) - I am so proud. Sherie was
nominated for Homecoming Princess (9th grade). You can imagine how proud
of them I am. Lauren missed the honor by only a few votes, however,
Sherie was elected the Homecoming Princess 2004. Sydney sent me
photographs - WOW!!! What a great experience.
Life has continued on,
despite my absence. My dear wife has overcome great odds and, with
the help of family and friends, is holding the family together. All I
had to do was keep myself together. For the last 6 or 8 weeks, I have
been struggling to keep a positive attitude. It seems the reality of my
situation away from family and friends was beginning to sink in. I
couldn't help but feel that I was the target of some grand conspiracy aimed at
my demise. I became quite depressed. I spent nearly all day
lying in my bunk either sleeping or pretending to sleep. I did very
little talking to anyone. My letter writing stopped and I made much
fewer phone calls. I was indeed down - something very powerful overcame
me. I was at a loss as to what to do.
Then, as if collectively,
the prayers and well-wishes of all of you came together at one moment. I
discovered a great diversion that has reinvigorated my spirit and
positive attitude. My love of life - my zest for learning. I was
talking to someone about what I believe the purpose of life was. We
agreed that one of the many important facets of life and happiness is
"learning." I thought back totally to my memories of learning
at school. I remembered how gaining a better understanding of the world
around me brought me such joy. A good man in here named Brett had been
receiving dozens of books from his intellectual friends on the outside.
He offered me my choice of several. I selected The Portable Faulkner,
a collection of stories of the Nobel prize wining author, William
Faulkner. As I began to read, it became apparent that I could not turn a
page without having to look up a few words in my Oxford Dictionary that
Mike and Reesa sent me. Within a few days, I had learned dozens of new
words. My tired and worn out brain snapped into "learning
mode" and suddenly, along with an insatiable desire to learn more, my
attitude sprung up from the depths. The more I learned, the more energy
I felt and the more positive my perception became.
To date, some of my
favorite new words are: effluvium, specious, catafalque, invidious, as well as
dozens of others. As I kept reading, I became happier and happier.
Within a few weeks, I had about three dozen books under my belt. On the
phone, I received several suggestions from my friends. Books that I
would never had considered reading arrived from www.Amazon.com and suddenly, I
was "higher" than a kite. Here are just a few of the books I
have read over the last few weeks:
The Celestine Prophecy
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
Chuck Yeager's Autobiography
Helen Keller's Autobiography
Carl Reiner's My Anecdotal Life
Gordan B. Hickley's Standing for Something
Rafer Johnson's Best That I Can Be
Robert F. Kennedy's Thirteen Days about the 1962 Cuban Missile
Crisis
John Milton's Paradise Lost
William Faulkner's Absalom, Absalom about the deep south
Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises and The Old Man and the Sea
Walt Wittman's Poetry and Prose
and some intellectually adventurous books by Steven Hawking - A Brief
History of Time and On the Shoulders of Giants
Carlos Castanedas The Teaches of Don Juan
Oh and lest I forget, Dan Brown's Angels & Demons (Awesome)
and The Divinci Code.
I have read these and
several others - some two and three times. I have committed myself to
learning as much as I can. I look up every new word every time I come
across a word I do no know - this practice has greatly expanded my vocabulary.
This has enabled me to
become inured to the prurient rhetoric and privation of
my incarceration and resist the carrion and invidious nature of
my situation...
In short...I have been
having fun.  I have been
talking regularly to my family and friends. I have started returning
letters again. And most importantly, I have - with your prayers and
concern - latched on again to the power of learning. I know my family is
alright and well-supported. And I continue to get letters and updates
from the web. Thank you, all of you for helping us through this
time. Thank you for the books that continue to pour in. When I
rise above the chaos around me, lifted on paper wings, I disappear from this
nefarious place and am transported to another world. I read - in two
days - Michael Crichton's Timeline about traveling back to the 14th
Century - it was awesome!!!
I must admit for a while
(3+ weeks), I was very low. I lost confidence in my situation.
However, having climbed out of that hole, not looking back, my confidence has
been restored. I absolutely believe that this third trial
will prove my innocence once and for all and that shortly thereafter, I will
be allowed to return to my amazing wife and children. And, just as
importantly, to my wonderful friends/supporters. What a wild ride this
has been! Everyday now, I am trying to make lemonade from
lemons.
This current opportunity
for academic growth is unparalleled in my life. I wake up, read, eat,
rest, read, eat, rest ... one day pours into the next and weeks go by
seemingly every three days or so. The other day, I got a visit from my
brother, sister and brother-in-law, when I realized I hadn't slept in 36
hours. The next day, I slept 14 hours. I choose when to read and when to
sleep - my situation has once again become positive and filled with interest.
I know that the
depression that I went through was extremely disheartening to those who were
aware of it. I am sorry that I couldn't control it, but I am very
grateful for all of your love and concern and your positive spirit that has
lifted me up. Thank you.
I want this whole thing
to be over and for life to move on. Yet, I cannot help but feel sorry
for the families and my former students who have been manipulated to believe
that I am a "monster" and deserving of prison. I often reflect
on what they are going through because of their inaccurate perception of
me. I include them in my daily prayers and sincerely hope that they -
soon - will be able to turn away from this nightmare with the confidence to
move on. How truly tragic it would be if even one of these little
children's lives is adversely affected because of this witch hunt.
Please pray for them too - they have so much future ahead of them. Thank
you, everyone, for all you have done! I especially need to thank Joy for
her indomitable spirit sharing her time and talents on my behalf. Thank
you!!!
You are all angels.
We love and appreciate ALL OF YOU. God Bless you all - and start reading
more!!! it's worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love,
Mr J
PS - I would like to
challenge each and every one of you to turn off your TV's and read a book
together as a family - there is so much more to discover and learn...
PPS - It took going to
jail to do it, but I finally got to read Swiss Family Robinson ... what
fun!!! I am ready to be stranded on a tropical island.
PPPS all of your letters
will be responded to as I am now writing again. Thank you for your
understanding and for your patience.
Click here
for December 26, 2004
Mr J
wrote on June 20, 2004
Dear Friends and Family,
Happy Fathers Day,
Summer Solstice and Happy to see you Day!!!! (I think that's a
holiday...!?!?) I hope you are all doing fine and are in great
spirits!
This last week or so has
been really great for my spirits. I have been riding an emotional high
now for days. Even though my family was beyond the reach of the
telephone for me (because of their church retreat), I knew they were all having a great time. I think the
highlight of this past week was hearing that you all wanted to meet
Steve. [ This is a reference to Mike and
Reesa's visit.] You made the
appointment and showed up with smiles on your faces. At least two things
occurred during that meeting. One, you got to meet and show respect to
someone that I told you was a unique human being of special worth. Your
unconditional support of both of us was evident by your enthusiasm. You
demonstrated your trust in me and validated my opinion of the worth of a soul.
Steve
truly is unique because of his rare combination of humility and
experience. Second, and perhaps more importantly, you showed Steve, by
your actions, that good people are out in the world and want to know how to
help other good people. In talking with another youngster in here about
misconceptions of people, I said, "if I were at a supermarket and came to
the checkout at the same time as Steve - seeing his size and appearance - I
would have suggested, timidly, that he go first." Steve,
overhearing our conversation, said "I would have let you go
first." He continued to explain that if he had a full basket in
front of me in line and I only had a few things, he would have insisted that I
go ahead. My point to the youngster was about prejudging or making
generalizations about people based on how they look. Your acceptance of
Steve demonstrates your ability to accept people for the potential they
have. You did not allow any preconceived notions of appearance to cloud
your acceptance of him.
You
all [referring
to Mike and Reesa, who visited with their son] exhibited
a behavior that reflects one of the best virtues of humanity - unconditional
love of a fellow human being. You make me very proud to call you my
friends.
It got
even better after our meeting. Steve, for the next couple of days,
looked my way all glassy-eyed and amazed. He commented again and again
how marvelous it is to come in contact with people like you. He
considers himself very blessed in many ways. This big man is facing
certain prison time - has two little boys and a wife at home - and yet
considers himself blessed because others have shown concern for him.
We have
talked many times about how good things happen to good people. Steve has
learned a great deal about pacifistic ways and has grown to be a considerate
human being. His wisdom and leadership in this place have made all of
our time here more pleasant. Fights have been averted and spirits have
been lifted because of his thoughtful efforts. He recognizes that all of
the good things that are happening to him are directly the result of his
actions as a good person.
Mike and Reesa - thank
you so much! Your constant and remarkable support of me is
inspiring. Each day, I wake up and count my blessings... and feel the
need to engage in some form of service. Your
actions, and the many actions of Tracy, Joy, and everybody else that has stood
firmly behind me, make me want to be my best. Thank you! Isn't it
an incredible feeling we get inside when we engage in selfless acts of
service? I can't tell you how grateful I am to be among your
friends.
Today [written
on Father's Day] my
brother took time away from his "father's day" and allowed Steve
and me to enjoy my entire family all at once. Wow! What a great
experience. When Steve and I walked into the visit tank, he sat down
first and then I sat down next to him. I patted him on the shoulder and
made a gesture to my family that this is Steve. Every child had a great
big smile on their face as they stared at him in an attempt to take it all
in. After a few moments, I was beginning to get a little jealous because
no one was looking at me.
They were amazed that this impressive looking man was one, my friend, and two,
an incredible artist that created pictures worthy of a frame and a place on the
walls of our home. We all visited for about 40 minutes and it was
wonderful.
My wife,
later in the visit, looked into my eyes and sincerely asked if I was doing
alright. The honesty of her inquiry demanded a response in kind. I
thought for a moment, reflecting on the past week or so. A smile
broadened across my face and I realized that everything has been going very
well. The level of respect that I had weeks ago from the tank was
amplified by the unanimous decision to make me the "white
rep." I never realized it before the appointment but the job does
keep you busy. I have exercised diplomacy in many ways and I feel that,
alongside Steve, the place is running about as smooth as a jail dorm ever
could. It has been a very interesting assignment that I don't take
lightly. I could sum up the experience with the phrase "not on my
watch!" It truly is in everyone's best interest for things to flow
without conflict. It seems to be working.
Second
Installment: Mr J is describing how he is dealing with his time in
jail
This
whole experience seems surreal. The time is passing very quickly.
I miss everyone on the outside very much but I cannot shake the odd feeling
that there is some significant purpose for me being here right now. When
I do get time alone to reflect in my bunk, I often focus on the
"unique" experiences I continue to have here day after day.
Many of them affect me in very profound ways. Some of these experiences
I have shared with you and you too have been affected. I cannot shake
the notion that I should somehow write a book to share elements of these
experiences. Each day before I go to sleep, I consider the possible
topics or themes. One thing has become abundantly clear...whichever
topic I choose, the underlying theme will be to provide insights to those of
whom will hopefully never have the "up close and personal"
experience of jail. I have been both troubled and uplifted day after
day, learning of others' concerns and attempting to help them overcome their
challenges.
In nearly
every case, their challenges have addiction to alcohol, drugs and/or
pornography at the root. it seems so very simple to suggest avoidance of
these plagues but it goes so much deeper than that. many of these
offenders are the victims of social ills. They were never provided some
of the everyday necessities that you and I took for granted growing up.
Most are simply products of their environments. Plain and simple - you
become what you are around.
A smaller
portion of the inmates are those that trespassed naively into dangerous
behaviors that ultimately consumed them. These few could have been
spared humiliation and despair had they been more informed. In jail and
away from addiction, these clear headed individuals understand where they went
wrong, the harm their decisions caused, and are very concerned that they
likely will not be able to control themselves when they get out. What a
frightening and sad state of affairs. What if they never stepped across
the line of uncertainty? Their lives would be drastically different than
they are today.
I feel
that one of the several topics I need to write about to help others is one
that exposes the plagues of drug addiction. From scientific journals
describing their ill effects and control of the human body and mind to the
myriad of ways lives and families are forever altered and destroyed.
From the devious tactics of the dealer to hook new customers to the young high
school students boldly experimenting on a new high. The story needs to
be told over and over in a way that is accessible to all.
Kids
could learn from a book like this and so could uninformed parents!
Wouldn't it be vastly better if our children in school had to read a book
about these plagues - the causes and effects - than read a book like Heather
Has Two Mommies?? (This is an actual book about homosexuals that was
mandatory reading in a New York school district.) Actual poisons have
been added to drugs so dealers can make more money to feed their
out-of-control habits. Even more frightening is the fact that they often
express no remorse for their behavior, claiming that the drugs were always in
control. They didn't care who was affected or how. All that was
important was increasing the supply of their drug of choice. How scary
is that!??
We have
heard time and again on "Sixty Minutes" or "20/20" stories
of the fallout of drug addiction across America. Everyday, kids and even
adults become hopelessly addicted to "crack," "Meth,"
"Ecstasy," etc. Lives ruined and families torn apart as these
and many other drugs sink their demonic claws of addiction deep into the heart
of society. Certainly, it is a step in the right direction to publicly
expose the ultimate effects of addiction, but what about information regarding
how these drugs conquer minds physiologically?? All should be educated
as to how these individuals are chemically unbalanced by unnatural additives
to their bodies. How a person's psyche is altered into an irrational and
uncontrollable state. On drugs, people quite literally no longer have control
over many aspects of their lives, both physically and mentally.
One
individual, seemingly normal now, because he's been sober for seven months (in
jail for seven months), told me a couple of stories regarding horrific
violence. A man who had a family with a couple of kids attempted to
finance his addiction by distributing (dealing) drugs. This otherwise
average person became so consumed by the need to keep his "crack"
flowing to feed his habit that anyone who didn't "pay-up" or
attempted to steal from him would become victims of "unfortunate
accidents." He could not allow the disruption of the flow of his
preferred drug. One of his users that couldn't "pay up on
time" had his kneecap blown away by a hollow tip slug from a .357
magnum. Another sorry user that didn't "pay up on time"
had his leg broken backward at the knee in front of his wife and two small
children. WOW! When I inquired as to any concern about affecting
the small children, I was told that nothing was more important than
maintaining a constant flow of money and thus, drugs, to the
dealer/user. The drugs were more important than human life.
It seems
that much of the horrible violence and social ills we read about in the paper
each day are products of "twisted" or "tweaked"
individuals who are ill affected by constant drug use. Murder, rape,
robbery and theft are all bi-products of the culture of desperate,
out-of-control drug addicts. Drug addiction has torn the very fabric of
our society and humanity. We seem to be ineffective at limiting
the "supply" flowing across our borders. Perhaps we should put
a greater emphasis on limiting the "demand" for these destructive
vices. If we could better educate families of America explicitly
detailing the various devastations of these drugs, we could deglamorize their
use and divert would-be first-time users. I now believe that the answer
to how to reduce addiction to drugs is to convince individuals to never cross
the line to experimentation. Those who choose to not ever try it
will never fall victim to the irrational behaviors that will certainly
follow. Individuals who abstain from "use" and thus
"addiction" will never have to suffer the personal and
familial crises that pervade society.
Here's
end of Mr J's letter.
We all
live in America and most of us have children. Where is the evidence that
progress in this regard is being made. My children are not coming home
from school with literature explicitly informing them about drugs. They
seem to know very little about the details. "Only the bad kids
do drugs, Dad." Ignorance to the reality of drug addiction can
only foster curiosity. Quite literally, what they (or we, for that
matter) don't know could in fact kill them (us). More needs to be done!
As a
teacher, I witnessed the DARE program in elementary school. The scope of
the instruction was very limited. Students knew drugs were bad
but never really understood why. Certainly, our middle-
and high-schoolers need more information that that. We, as parents, also
need more information so we can be more aware as we raise our children.
The bottom line is that significant information must be made readily available
to ALL because the problem truly can only be solved if it never
actually starts. Where is the book that addresses this plague accurately
and why have none of ever heard of it??? Something must be done!!
Desperate
situations create intense motivation. I have been surrounded by the
lowest of the human condition now for more than three months. All the
pleasantness of outside life has been eclipsed by the grim, everyday rhetoric of affected abusers. Over and over, the common refrain of addicts
glorifying their past activities echoes through this nefarious place.
Most are unaware that the "tragedy" in which they are playing a role
was caused by and continues to be affected by drug addiction. They will
often deny this correlation outright, or acknowledge it with an admission that
they will never have the power to overcome it. Drugs destroy lives!!!
I feel
intensely motivated to marshal these experiences into a "cautionary
tale" of sorts to create awareness. No one deserves to suffer the
certain devastation and destruction that looms just beyond the curiosity of
experimentation. We all need to be informed. Explicit
education is the antidote to the "pandemic" that is gaining strength
each year. More needs to be done and I feel the need to be a part of it.
Somehow,
these thoughts and aspirations bring peace and purpose to my mind in this
offensive place. The desperation around me is motivating. Day
after day, this focus intensifies. The thought of somehow making a
difference consumes me in a positive way.
It has
become the "panacea" of my current dilemma. A way to escape
the looming negativity that pushes in around me each day. I believe that
my incarceration, for more than 100 days now, has had a positive effect on me
as I feel a greater need for a "purpose" driven existence. I'm
going to continue doing research in here with the hope that I can somehow make
a difference.
Thank you
for everything you have done! Your love and support have given me
strength and have inspired me. Keep up the great work! You are
making a tremendous difference!!!
Love,
Mr J
Click here
for October 16, 2004
Mr J
wrote on June 3, 2004
Dear Friends and Family,
Two events this week
fortunately have eclipsed this current dilemma. On Thursday, the 3rd of
June, my oldest daughter Lauren turned sweet 16. Wow! I must be
old!! She has been learning to drive with her permit and soon will have
her license - ALL BEWARE!
Lauren has grown into a
beautiful young lady in every way. She is active in our church,
participates in all the youth activities and has excelled in academics and
A.S.B. These past many months have caused her to grow tremendously and I
feel that she is now wise beyond her years. She is quickly becoming the
spitting image of her incredible mother - full of love, grace and ambition.
The fact that I can't be at her sweet 16 birthday party is tempered by my
knowledge that she possesses the skills, talents and character necessary to
overcome the challenges ahead.
I know she will continue
to succeed as she follows our counsel. I am so very proud that she
represents our family as our oldest child. She has been, and will
continue to be, a great example to her sister and brothers.
The second event of this
week that has helped me through the ordeal of this past month is the 17th
anniversary of my dear wife and I, on the 5th of June. That's right - 16
years ago, we celebrated our first anniversary by bringing home our first
little bundle of joy from the hospital. These last 17 years have seen
both challenges and sweet successes and yet, we have always managed to
come out ahead. I have no reason to believe that this time will be any
different. We are a strong family, both immediate and extended, that
draw upon the strengths of ageless wisdom. We work together to increase
in our lives the virtues that represent the finest elements of humanity.
We also surround ourselves with friends who desire and seek the same.
For these reasons, I am encouraged and know that all will be OK now and in the
future.
Our fight is not over -
our challenge continues. My family and I stand tall and are in awe at
the incredible support that continues to bolster our faith day after day.
Old friends, new friends, special friendships that have resulted from children
in my class, and now even strangers who have , of late, become familiar with
my ordeal and recognize this familiar tragedy playing out across America, are
all rallying to our aid. Hope is ephemeral and needs constant
nourishment to resist the forays of discouragement and desperation. My
family and friends have stood by me through all of this and I am strengthened.
The blight of incarceration reveals itself day after day in this carnal place.
Because of all of you, I continue to stand my ground, not yielding to the
advances of debauchery that consume this place. My confidence is strong
and my resolve is steadfast - I will survive intact to resume my life
among those I love and respect as a positive productive member of society.
You have all made a
difference! You continue to inspire me. Thank you, each and
everyone of you, for your love and hope. Surely you all must know the
difference you have made. My family and I are forever grateful for your
ability to push past the visceral responses elicited by these allegations and
recognize that I am simply a man who worked hard to do my best and who loved
to make a difference. Your loyalty brings me confidence that I was, and
still am, on the right track.
Shakespeare said through
his character "Iago" in "Othello" (III,iii);
"Good name in man
and women...is the immediate jewel of their souls; who steals my purse
steals trash,...but he that filches from me my good name robs me of that
which not enriches him and makes me poor indeed."
My dear family and
friends, you have all helped to preserve the "jewel" of my
"soul" and I am rich indeed.
Thank you.
With all my love,
Mr J
click here
June 20, 2004
Mr J
wrote on May 23, 2004
Dear Friends
and Family,
As I sit here on the eve
of the closing arguments, my heart is both full and troubled. These past two
weeks of the trial have once again been bitter and sweet. I have had to
endure more than a week of the prosecution spinning lies about who I am and
listening to answers from leading questions. It is painfully clear that
the hysteria that pervades our society regarding this topic has fueled a
tremendous amount of hate toward me. I marveled as I saw each
misinformed parent talk about how I have ruined their child's
life. These parents are not the active, participating parents we Toler
teachers have grown to respect and depend on. They are, instead, some of
the many who don't know what we do and rarely, if ever, have participated.
More than a year of
questioning, gossiping and even therapy for a few has created victims of
all. I was dumbfounded to see each child and parent express their
contempt for me.
Their message was simply
that I was only a teacher so I could gain access to my deviant sexual
preference - 7-8 year olds. The jury sat through a disgusting display of
attitudes and false perceptions. It was all they could do to
occasionally glance my way to see what the monster looked like.
Unfortunately for me, this topic elicits the most profound of negative
emotions. And, those vile sentiments were directed for more than a week
at me. I often felt sick to my stomach and wished I could have
disappeared.
After several long days,
it ended. Now it would be our turn to share the reality of who I am and
what I believe in. I had to wonder though if it was too late. The
jury by then had all but ceased to glance my way. It was clear that they
had the same sick feeling in their stomachs. It was then that I realized
how this DA operates. It never has been a case of strong evidence -
there has not been any. She has simply driven them emotionally
and I fear that the jury may have shut down to reason. There is NO
corroborating evidence. No one saw anything happen to anyone.
There is NO evidence of motive. I am happily married with
a wonderful family.
The search of my house and seizure of four computers
has proven that I don't view pornography. None of the girls say they
were ever threatened or told to keep anything a secret. When asked,
"did he say anything to you when he patted your back," their
response is consistently, "good job!" or "well
done!" Amazingly, they all say the "inappropriate"
touching occurred at the kidney shaped guided reading table that is parked
right in front of an open door.
In addition, the terms
they used to describe the supposed events such as "uncomfortable, bad
touch, embarrassed, inappropriate, and violated," are all words used by
the Detective and CPS workers. Their stories have evolved from "it
didn't happen to me," to "it's hard to talk about..." as they
cried on the stand.
Now it is our turn to set
the record straight. After only a few witnesses from our side, I told my
attorney to please let me take the stand. Instead of waiting to the very
end to share who I am, I wanted to get up early and tell the jury to their
faces that I could never do anything to harm a child. On Thursday
morning, after two brief witnesses, the defense called me, the defendant, "Mr
J Jesperson," to the stand. A year and a half of emotion
and frustration poured out of me. At first, I could hardly fight back
the tears as my attorney asked me about my wife and my family. But then,
he began to ask me about my education and how I taught as a teacher.
Everyone's prayers were answered as my mind and heart were freed from the
stress and sleeplessness of jail. With vivid clarity, I was able to
fight off the exhaustion and focus on sharing who I really am. I was
able to see in my mind's-eye my classroom before me. I was able to
articulate the circumstances of learning and interaction that made up a day in
my classroom. I was able to remember how I ran my classroom, with
positive expectation building the confidence of young learners and how we all
worked together to assure everyone's success.
Sitting on the stand, I
felt a great peace come over me. I knew that this was my opportunity to
voice the reality of who I am and what I stand for. Each glance out to
the many of you sitting in the courtroom bolstered my faith that all would be
well. The calm spirit that came over me allowed me to focus on each
question and helped me to look into the 14 faces of strangers sitting in
judgment of me. When the DA got up and tried to snare me with words, I
knew that looking her straight in the eyes and proclaiming the truth was all I had to
do. I stood my ground and told the world who I am and what I believe
in. I was proud to finally have a say in these proceedings. More
than a year and a half of pain and suffering was allayed in a short two and a
half to three hours. I finally got to proclaim my innocence. But
then the DA once again got up to spread her poison. For about 30
minutes, she read into the record the confabulations of three of the child
witnesses from the previous trial. That warm sweet spirit of peace that I
enjoyed for three days was replaced by a sick feeling in my stomach - the jury
felt it too. Their glances at me were filled with confusion. I
could sense their struggle to comprehend how this could be happening. I
am sure they wondered what the truth really was.
It was at that moment
that the gravity of my situation hit me. These 14 jurors (12 plus 2
alternates) have been overwhelmed by testimony for two weeks. Their
understanding of events they are sitting in judgment of can only come from a
smattering of testimony presented to them. Nothing but words and
opinions can they consider as there is no physical evidence of any kind.
Will this become a guessing game? Are my life and the welfare of my
children and family riding on the limited perceptions of 14 complete
strangers?
On the bus ride back to
Vista that afternoon, chained at the feet and shackled at the waist, sitting
in a cage unable to scratch my nose or wipe tears from my cheeks, I peered out
the window at the landscape rushing by. This place, I thought, is where
my grandfather raised his family. It is where my father raised his
family. And it is where I had raised my young family. As I thought
for a moment what was at stake during this trial, I considered the possible
outcomes. I wondered if those who would shortly be deliberating the
facts could possibly understand the seriousness of what they have been asked
to do. I questioned whether they could push aside the negative emotions elicited by the DA
and recognize how weak this case truly is? I wondered if they would
recognize that these stories that the children now believe actually happened
... were
created by hysteria and suggestions over time ... and were started by four
petty third graders holding a grudge because they couldn't be in my third
grade class.
This truly has been the
fight of my life - a battle for justice. This reality overcame me and I sobbed
uncontrollably. What if, I thought, the jurors couldn't look at the
facts and only responded to the emotions driven up by the DA? Would all
that I have spent my life working so hard for be for naught? How could
this be? What lesson is there here for me to learn I wondered?
Desperation consumed me.
The late afternoon sun
moved across the backs of the clouds and I continued to contemplate my current
reality. Fear and sadness pushed in around me and I recognized my future
was out of my control. I would have to trust that my fate would be
considered carefully. I could only hope that these jurors would
recognized that I could never harm a child and that I have spent my life
trying to improve both myself and my students with whom I was
entrusted.
Regardless of the outcome
of this trial, I know that I could never teach again. To place myself,
family and friends again in a situation where mere words can ruin lives is
incomprehensible. I will spend the rest of my life avoiding this
potential devastation. However, regardless of the decision of these 14
strangers, I know in my heart that I have had a positive affect on many and
for that, I am grateful.
The love and support that
my family and I have received over the last 18 months has been
inspiring. If two years ago, someone told me I would be here in jail
awaiting a judgment of strangers, I would have told them they were
crazy. Likewise, if someone told me that I would be accused of the most
heinous of crimes and yet would receive overwhelming love and support, again,
I would have told them they were crazy. Yet, here I am, as surreal as it
could ever be.
My hour-long bus ride ended around 7:00 pm Friday afternoon and so did the dismay of these
proceedings.
Fear and sadness have
again been averted by hope and faith as I consider all that those I love have
done. Each day of the trial, dozens were there to support me. I
have felt your prayers and your positive attitudes. We have all
questioned, "How could this have continued on for so long?" I
believe I have come up with the answer. Strip away your freedoms - food
choice, company, environment and even the ability to wipe away tears and what
do you have left? Some would say nothing! But I have learned over
these last couple of difficult months that the answer is not
nothing but EVERYTHING! Everything that is truly important. I have
had even my dignity stripped from me, in this place, and yet I am loved and
respected by family and friends. It may have only been for a few short
years as a teacher, but I have had the privilege of making a difference.
Regardless of the outcome of this trial and independent of the effort that
this jury makes, these precious realities of my life can never be taken
away. I will always love my family and they will love me. I will
always look back in awe and fondness of the years that I spent as a teacher
who cared and tried to make a difference. My past stands as proof of who
I am. Who I am can never be taken from me and for that, I am both
grateful and proud!!!
Tomorrow will be closing
arguments and I go forward from here, confident in the knowledge that whatever
difficulties I have faced in my life, they have always worked out for good in
the end. A feeling of peace has washed over me this weekend and yet, I
do not know what my fate will be regarding these false allegations.
However, I will press forward, learning things I never thought I would have to
learn. No matter what, I will always have my family and friends.
Thank you for your love.
Love,
Mr J
click here for
June 3, 2004
Mr J
wrote on May 10, 2004
Dear Friends
and Family,
This week has been a
difficult one but I feel so very blessed. On Saturday the 8th of May, my
7 year old Thomas turned 8 years old. His birthday is the first birthday
of my family that I have ever missed. All day Saturday, I was faced with
the grim reality that, instead of watching my youngest open his presents at
his party, I would have to hear and see the profanity that consumes this
desperate place. I tried to isolate myself from the chaos that surrounds
me day after day and focus on my many blessings. It was difficult.
Then I called home to speak with my family and wish my youngest child a happy
birthday. I was overcome with emotion when my new eight-year-old excitedly
answered the phone and thanked me repeatedly for the greatest gift he has ever
received.
For months, my son has
been saying that when he turned eight, he wanted a new guitar like I got when
I turned eight years old. After the unfortunate conclusion of the last
trial, I began to realize that this dream may never be realized. My
wife's 5 brothers, however, found out about the situation and recognized where
they could step in and help - once again. My son got his dream birthday
gift and it was from his Dad.
I feel so very humbled by
all of the support that my family and I have received in so many ways.
From phone calls to letters and from donations of time and even money.
We have been very blessed.
Throughout our married
life of 17 years, my wife and I, and even our children, have many times had
the good fortune of being able to help others. We have helped people
move, build things, brought food to those who needed it, and have even donated
time and energy to both the Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts, as leaders for more
than a decade each. These and other opportunities of service always felt
appropriate as we considered our many blessings year after year. This
past year, however, has seen our situation dramatically reversed. We had
to learn that it was OK to be the recipients of good will and charity.
At first, I was
reluctant. I wanted so badly to make it on my own. But, as you all
know too well, this ordeal has exploded upon us overwhelming us in so many
ways. I believe that surviving all of this would be hopeless without all
of you. And I do mean ALL of you. Each of you has
contributed in different ways to shoring up our emotional and spiritual well
being. I want you all to know that, because of you, we
have been able to survive the unthinkable - hour after hour...day after
day. I share these things with you all because my heart is so
full. The letters to the website and to me personally have caused this
250 lb man to shed crocodile tears of joy daily. I hope you all realize
the impact you have had. You have made the impossible
possible. You have made a tragedy into a fortunate blessing.
On Saturday, the eighth of
May, my new 8 year old played me a song on his new electric guitar. It
was a song that I taught him on his acoustic guitar when he was only 4 years
old. I was unable to speak for several minutes, I was so overcome with
sweet emotion. I felt that great peace and joy that comes from selfless
acts of love and service. All day, gratitude and awe replaced what
easily could have been bitterness and spite. You all ~ each in your own
way ~ have spared me and my family the full force of our unfortunate reality
many, many times. Each of you, in your own way, have changed our lives
for the better.
I have spent my life
trying to build great friendships. You all have shown me that I, indeed,
have many special friends. I want you to know, as I am sure you already
do, that your acts of kindness and service reflect the best attributes of
humanity. Your efforts have paid huge emotional and spiritual dividends
for all of us. We feel your love and support and we are forever
grateful. Thank you!!!
The charity that all of
you have demonstrated in your own way has had a profound affect on me and my
family. All of you have made a significant difference in our
lives. Thank you!!! It is difficult to quantify in
words. Somehow, though, you must surely feel it in your heart that your
efforts have accomplished their goals - you all have saved my family from
great despair. Thank you!!! YOU HAVE MADE A WONDERFUL
DIFFERENCE!!!
This morning, [May
10], I awaited eagerly to see my dear wife, Sydney, and for
the first time since I was incarcerated (on the 16th of March), my two sons,
Thomas (8) and James (10). We felt that the nearly two months of time we
avoided them seeing me in jail should end. The cold reality was
outweighed by the need for them to see their dad smiling at them. Only
Thomas came today, however, as James was physically unable to make it.
The afternoon just before
I was taken into custody, I challenged |
